BETWEEN THE EPISODES: PART 2
When I came back, COVID-19 had emerged, so it was a stressful and ambiguous time for everyone. One night, I was staying over at my friend Tara’s place in Brisbane city, and felt bored and couldn’t get to sleep. I decided to download a dating app for fun and see if I could find my Prince Charming. I swiped left on a few people and right on a few others. I matched with a boy named Allan, and we hit it off with some interesting conversation. This boy was extremely intelligent and insightful, and we thought alike. We identified that we both had black and white moral compasses, and found it hard to deal with anything grey area. We spoke about issues of social justice as well as other trivial, jovial topics. Allan worked very long hours and would message me once a day, but he would send very well thought out, lengthy messages, and this was enough for me. I looked forward to my one message a day, as I was trying to come from a place of understanding and genuinely enjoyed talking to him. I continued talking to him all semester.
I had chosen to do a university unit which was a placement in Cherbourg, the Aboriginal Shire Council. I was so excited because I am extremely passionate about matters of social justice, and wanted to contribute in whatever small way that I could. The experience ended up being extremely rewarding, as my group members were lovely and wholesome, and on our couple of drives down to Cherbourg (contact was limited due to Covid-19), we had some meaningful discussions that were both insightful and enjoyable. We ended up producing a report for an organisation that assists in the wellbeing of the people of Cherbourg, and the staff there showed their gratitude towards our efforts and what we had achieved for them. The report was not extremely comprehensive, however, with what we had to work with and the circumstances that Covid brought, we were very proud of the work that we had produced.
The end of semester 1 of the university calendar was approaching, and my friend Dan messaged me to ask how I went with the assessment for the taxation law unit we were doing. I wasn’t very close to him, however, I had met him in first year university, and whenever I saw him around, I would say hi. He seemed like a really warm person, and conversations with him were enjoyable. He suggested that we get together to study for the end of semester exam that was fast approaching. So the week before the exam, I had prepared my notes and decided to form a study group with my friend Tara, who was also studying taxation law, myself and Dan. When we got to the law library at university, we decided to go to the markets in the gardens next to uni to get some food. During our walk there, the three of us talked, joked and it was a great time. I realised I had forgotten how fun and nice Dan was and I remember thinking I wish I had gotten closer to him at university because he would be a cool friend to have. Dan invited another friend, Ron to join our study group later on, and we all went through the content for a few hours before going home. I remember becoming stressed out because the others really knew what they were talking about, and I felt as if I didn’t know much. But I didn’t panic, because I still had a few days left to study before the test and I made a plan to create one-page summaries of all the topics so that I had a little flow chart in my mind of all the concepts I needed to know. This really helped, and I was able to confidently complete the exam.
A few days passed and I couldn’t sleep because I kept hearing mice running around the house when I would try to fall asleep. Although I had been told that not being able to sleep was one of the first signs of being ill, I thought nothing of it and just thought I was scared of the mice. There were no mice.
On the 17th of June, 2020, I lost it. I started thinking that I was in a game again, and that if I won the decoding game that I would save the world, and that if I lost the game, I would die an excruciating death. I had watched a Disney movie the night before, and I started decoding that movie and assigning people in my life characters from it. I thought that the movie was trying to send me a message. I thought that my dad might be evil and trying to kill me, because he is tall and lean like the antagonist. I thought that my sister could trick my dad at her birthday dinner like the princess tricks the antagonist in the movie to capture him once and for all. I thought my mum was the a character who was kind and bubbly, but (I thought) was persuaded by my dad to assist him with his evil ways, just like the antagonist hypnotises the character into going along with his devious plans. Accordingly, I thought I had to stay up all night to execute the perfect plan to “capture” my dad. I texted my sister saying that Nina should wear her purple Bonds onesie, because purple was the code for family (a recurring theme from my previous episode), and I thought this would bring good luck. I even wrote a speech that I would say to distract everyone while my sister would trick my dad into doing who knows what…perhaps confessing what I thought he was about to do, and be punished for premeditating an assault or murder. I thought my sister was in on the plan, without even saying anything to her about it. I sent her a bunch of weird text messages, and she woke up in the middle of the night and told mum that she thinks there is something wrong with me. She had picked up that I was unwell. My mum and my sister asked me to book an appointment with my general practitioner the next day so that I could be given a higher dose of medication.
On the 18th of June 2020, my sister’s birthday, during the day, I was feeling quite strange. I had taken her some face masks so that we could do them together and I bought all the stuff to make lasagne for her. I felt as if she was acting strange, as if when I told her things she looked really interested or concerned, but wasn’t really. I felt like she was faking interest in what I was saying to get on my good side so that she could attack me when I was least expecting it. I was unsure what sort of attack I was expecting, but I was scared, nonetheless. I started thinking that my sister was playing mind games with me, and started thinking all sorts of things, like that she was linked in with all of my healthcare professionals and that she was manipulating them to keep me on my medications and telling them that I was crazy, and that they all believed her. This distresses me greatly in hindsight, as my sister is one of the kindest, genuine people I know, and I cannot believe my mind cooked up such upsetting thoughts about her.
Perceived: Losing and Finding my Mind 