EPISODE 2: PART 1
I felt myself spiralling, and on the night of 18th of June, my sister’s birthday, I lost it again. I felt like I was all alone and no one loved me for some reason. This was counterintuitive, as there were so many people around me who showered me with love constantly, but my mind was convinced otherwise. I had started becoming suspicious of my family, including my sister who I had spent the day with earlier, for her birthday. I thought she was acting weird. I walked outside, as I wanted some fresh air, and it was raining. This song I had learnt in primary school choir started playing repeatedly in my head, “I’m alone in the universe…nobody knows that I have wings, yes I can fly, around the moon and far beyond the sky, and someday soon, I know there you’ll be, one small voice in the universe, one true friend in the universe, who believes in me”. I started thinking that this was a code that was trying to help me figure out who the one person in the world I could rely on was. My mind started going through options…but everyone I was suspicious of – Tiana, Georgia, Lana, Tara, Allan, and my friend Ana who I had met at university. By this time, I had been sitting outside for a while, and my mum came outside to ask me to come in. I just ignored her. My dad tried too, but I ignored him. My sister tried and I ignored her too. Then eventually, my brother in law tried. I was wearing a short dress, and he said, “Come inside, and wear some track pants, it’ll do you good”. I misinterpreted what he said, and heard, “Put on some track pants or we’ll do you”. I took this to mean that my family was going to assault me. I got so scared that I wanted to leave at once. I was terrified, yet confident that God was on my side. I walked inside and started to leave the house. My whole family lined up to stop me, and my dad grabbed me. I thought he was trying to assault me so I yelled in a loud, terrifying way, “Don’t touch me”. I surprised myself with how scary I sounded, and when I looked at my family members, they were so shocked, everyone’s eyes were opened wide and dad was also so shocked that he let go of me. I called the police to tell them what I thought my brother in law had said to me. They said they were on their way. I then proceeded outside, but I was locked in by the electrically operated fence. It was raining, and I thought if I went and stood by the fence in the rain that dad would have no option but to open the gate for me. He refused to open the gate, but brought out an umbrella for me. He explained that I could get hurt if I went out on my own. I felt so helpless in that moment.
I was terrified beyond words by my family. I thought they were all insane and wanting to molest me, which is so utterly illogical given the type of people they are, yet I believed that they were keeping me trapped inside the property against my will. I felt so incredibly helpless, and that I could trust no one. I just wanted to escape, and find the one person in the universe who I thought I could trust, who I could be safe with, and who I could rest my mind with and not constantly be decoding things around me to save myself from being (supposedly) killed or attacked. Who was the person? I had exhausted everyone.
My grandparents live across the road from me, and my uncle (dad’s sister’s husband) came outside to see what was going on. He was wearing a red hoodie, and I remember thinking maybe I had got it all wrong. Maybe he was the evil one, maybe he was the antagonist from the Disney movie that needed capturing. I was scared that he would try to attack me too. I was desperate to think of the person who could save me. Suddenly, my mind went back to taxation law. All I could think of was how kind and personable Dan had been, and that maybe he was the only genuine person left in the world. I even remembered him using the word “genuine” in a conversation, and I used this as a code to tell me that he was the only one I could trust. It all made sense. Everything started fitting together, like a puzzle. He had nicknamed me “Ms LLH302” because I had told him I really liked ethics as a subject, and I thought maybe this was code for the fact that we were meant to be together because he was genuine, and that I conduct myself with righteousness. Then I started decoding things further in a way that pointed to the fact that he was definitely Jesus. It was all a big sign. On hindsight, this is very far from my reality, as while I do believe in a higher power, I am not particularly religious, nor am I Christian.
Nonetheless, I immediately began to text Dan. I told him I really need his help and that I needed a friend. He said he was there for me. I started blurting out what I thought my brother in law had said to me, and what I thought my family was trying to do to me. Dan has never met my family, and he didn’t know that they are extremely decent, normal, people. “That’s weird”, he had said. And reassured me that he had my back. By this time, my sister had called the ambulance, because she knew that I was unwell and having another psychotic episode. The police and ambulance officers arrived together. The police officers talked to me first. They were extremely kind, and I felt like I was being heard, even though I was slightly suspicious of them too. They asked me if my family or brother in law had ever been inappropriate to me before, and truthfully, I said no. I started thinking that Dan was talking to me through the police officers. I asked them what they thought I should do, and they said they think, after talking to me, it would be best for me to go to the hospital. I trusted Dan completely by this point, and because I thought he was using the police officers as vessels to communicate to me (using his Jesus powers), I agreed with them and decided to go in the ambulance.
It was very scary in the ambulance, I felt like I was on my own, but I had this glimmer of hope that Dan would save me from the world. When I got to the hospital, all I had on me was my phone, wallet, and phone charger. I was glad, because I realised that this was all I needed for survival. When I got to the hospital, I told them that I didn’t want my family near me. I called Dan from the hospital, extremely scared, and told him that I wanted him to come and pick me up. I wanted him to save me. He asked me if there was anyone else I trusted like Tara or one of my other friends, and I said that at this point I only trusted him. This guy barely knew me, but heard that I was distraught and scared, and told me that he was on his way. I felt so incredibly relieved. When they took me in past administration at the hospital, there were two men watching me. I think they might have been paramedics or security guards. I thought they were snickering at me, but I think they were just on night shift and joking amongst eachother. There was a doctor or nurse who would not crack a smile who took my bloods, and I thought she was exercising her utmost control not to kill me, and was getting pleasure out of causing me what little bit of pain she could. They then took a urine sample and put me in a room where the door was open, and anyone could walk in. I could hear other psychiatric patients yelling, and I was scared that someone dangerous might come in and hurt me. But all the while I had faith and hope that Dan would come and save me. That’s what kept me going, and that’s why I patiently waited.
A doctor on the ward came in and interviewed me. He was of South Asian heritage, I could tell, and he was treating me very nicely and being empathetic and kind. When he asked me if I had ever taken drugs, I assured him that I had never touched drugs in my life, and he looked as if he really trusted me. Again, I thought that Dan was talking to me through this doctor to calm me down, and I felt so much relief. He was on his way, I was going to be saved. The doctor left the room, and I was there waiting and waiting. Suddenly, he came back into the room in a bit of, what I at the time thought, was a bit of a frenzy. He looked angry, even disgusted. He informed me that they had found methamphetamines in my system. I was so incredibly confused. Is this a trick that was being played on me? I trusted no one but Dan. How could this be? I had never even touched a cigarette in my life, let alone hard drugs. The doctor informed me that he would not be allowing anyone to take me away who was not family, as this posed a risk to me. As I did not want to go home, I would be hospitalised. By this time Dan had arrived at hospital and was waiting at the front desk. I had to explain to him that I wasn’t allowed to see him. My perception at the time was that he sounded annoyed, and was saying that as long as I am safe that’s the main thing.
Suddenly, I thought that there were negative connotations to what he was saying. I thought he was being sarcastic and saying that as long as I’m okay that’s the main thing, I am selfish and didn’t care how everyone else was suffering. I know he didn’t mean it like this, but when I am sick, I can’t control the way my brain perceives things. I started to think of all the little bad things I have done in life like judge people or talk in a bad tone, and I thought maybe this was all my bad karma. I was crying to Dan on the phone, feeling helpless. He said he had to drive back home. I thanked him for driving for an hour to help me, and that I really appreciated it. Then I said good bye. Again, I was distraught. I felt as though my one chance at being saved by the one person in the world who was trustworthy was gone, because these doctors were lying about finding drugs in my system and keeping me in hospital on a legal formality. I stayed in that room all night, and slept on a couch. A nurse found me on my phone a couple of times, and told me she would be taking my phone. In my phone case was my credit card and drivers licence. I worried that I would never get these things back, and that without them I would be vulnerable and potentially homeless.
Perceived: Losing and Finding my Mind 